dream high;

♥ Thursday, July 31, 2008

Rapture
Another one of SAJC's self-proclaimed fashion shows
Just recycled clothes to go :/
Hahah
Must've been pretty unglam
Oh wells.
The dancers were real good though
Although some dances I felt weren't very meaningful
Crescent's dance was powerful
Very deep and thought provoking
So I guess overall it was a great night!
Better than last year's I think
Esp with the cute little kids
The boys and girls were so adorable and dance pretty well
Potential! XD
Hahaha
Oh and that dance with the mattresses and all
LOL so many wolf whistles

Got home real late though
Around 1230?
Then I woke up at 530 in great pain
Vomit. Diarrhoea.
BAH
Ended up not going school cos I diarrhea-ed past the time
And felt so drained
At least for the most part
Its over
Was thinking whether it was something I ate
But shoukudo's soft shell crab wafu pasta was pretty nice
Not out of the ordinary too
Hm

Nobody missed me in school ):
Haha.

♥words from deep within

♥ Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Its just this DULL throbbing inside me
That makes me feel as if
I don't want to care anymore
What's the point of caring when all efforts go unappreciated
And worse still
Thrown back at us
Accused of having intentions that were never there
In the end.
It's all our fault
Have you ever thought
That the hurt is tenfold on our part?
No
Only about yourselves
Egocentric.

(not directed at anybody...
...just a thought on the whole human race)

♥words from deep within

♥ Sunday, July 27, 2008

When you don't know what to do

Just smile

Smile away the troubles

Smile through your tears

Smile although you're gripping your heart in agony

(:

Spent another boring day

With a dearth of conversation for 7 hours
Because it was all people I did not know that day
I was sooooo bored that I started pacing around feverishly in circles
And the competition pool lifeguards walked over to reassure me
That there's err ONLY two more hours to go
SIGH
I really cannot do this kind of jobs
But my parents won't let me do what suits my character
(: smile.
Mandy will never open her vet clinic
In her stupid life
(:
Sigh
But well at least I encountered alot of interesting things
Perhaps even terrifying
Had several heart attacks
This 20+ year old woman was playing on the slides
In the kiddy pool
-_-
I didn't know what to say
I was on the verge of bursting into laughter
And well the right thing to do
Was to blow on the whistle and get her down
But it was too darn hilarious
There's this little girl with a beachball
Who like got it on a cliff accidentally
(IRRITATING)
Cliff because the slides are manmade to look like they came down from a rock like waterfall thing
THEN she went to complain to her grandma
And I helplessly stood below staring at the beachball
The cliff was like err 1.5m high?
Contemplated asking the other lifeguards to help me
BUT then the granny came
"Wo de sun nu de qiu diao zai na bian"
Me: -nod- "Deng yi xia, wo bu zhi dao zhen me na, wo qu zhao bie ren"
(sorry chinese is like crap)
Then the granny nodded and proceede to
CLIMB THE CLIFF
O_O
That was seriously my expression
I almost died shouting
"EHHH! HEN WEI XIAN! BU YAOOOO!"
I think if they ever get a complaint letter from the public
Sorry pool
Its because of ME
Sighhh
I'm hopeless
Everybody else, children and parents alike
Watched as she climbed precariously
And the little girl in the lifeguard uniform looking as though
She was going to burst into tears
SIGH
Save me from these situations EVER AGAIN
...
Lots of other things too
I don't think I'll do this job anytime soon again.
Besides I'm the last choice
Always the last
Always in the background
Because I'm useless aren't I?

♥words from deep within

♥

Its me against myself
All over again
Why do I feel so lost in the dark
Tripping over everything I say, everything I do
Stuck in a rut I made myself
Sigh
I deserve the helplessness I stumbled into
The loneliness I feel
Is it easier to just go with the flow?
Sink within myself
Never to be found again
OR fight against it
Express myself
And find the world turning against me.
The hooks on the ends of thin fishing lines
Tearing and gripping onto flesh
Straining to sear deep into bone
And when you cry out
There's nothing but silence
Reverberating through emptiness
Should one withstand the pain and tear through the barbs
Or remain restrained, forever, the numb throbbing on the surface
Threatening to reach a boil
But which will never be unleashed.

♥words from deep within

♥ Monday, July 21, 2008

Does anybody actually care?

I really don't know what to think
Feel
Or do anymore
Its really permanently numb.

And I pray for everyone out there to be fine
Happy too
Even though at this stage in life
That's probably difficult to find
BUT please cheer up
This is so cliche
But at least there's one person here who loves everyone out there
That's... MANDY!
Hahaha
Don't let all the emotional thoughts get to your head
Eradicate the helpless and hopeless feelings
And just look forward
One step at a time
One happy thing at a time
And very soon you'll see your life flash past you
Treasure it while it lasts (:

♥words from deep within

♥ Saturday, July 19, 2008

In the blink of an eye
Its FRIDAY
And the 19th of July
Which means
In barely a month plus its Prelims
And 3 months plus later its A levels
I'm not freaking out yet
But there's just this nagging feeling that
I'm not doing enough to ensure that I will do well
Sigh
And my parents want me to explore options
Of studying overseas and all
But I'm terrified of going alone and adapting to a different environment
And that's presumably if I do get into a US or UK uni in the first place
I don't much like Australia
Haha
I'm still not sure what I want to do
I wanna take up veterinary science
But there's not much future in Singapore
There'll always be a need for doctors
But then competition is TOUGH
And even that is an understatement
Now I'm just wondering what I could do
My dream course of marine biology?
Which will bring me nowhere
Although it would give me the satisfaction of being close to the sea
(:
Though that's not a realistic choice
-thinks real hard-
I don't know.
Financial analyst???
HAHAHA
Ah I'll give up thinking for now
But my parents want me to attend the UK US uni fair tmr
And I don't wanna go alone :/
Bleahhh
Still have work to do
Better finish what I have on hand first
Before thinking so far ahead XD

18 this year
And having completely no direction in life :x
Hahah
And I wish I could sort my thoughts out
So I can see the light through the murky depths of my skull
Life is so confusing
I don't know what to feel
What to think
What to do
That is right
I mean, nothing is right, but right for me I guess
Haha
I'll just fumble my way through
Hoping for the best...

1) I wanna get my rollerblades soon! (:
But I owe 55 dollars in band fund
And 30 more dollars...
2) Need heels I can actually WALK in!
3) And clothes x_x
For band dinner, rapture, etcetc.
GAH

♥words from deep within

♥ Tuesday, July 15, 2008

And I haven't blogged in the longest while again!
Hahah
Today was tiring
Walked so much because I got LOST in orchard road
Imagine that
AND at where I was supposed to be
So many towers and rooms and all
Hahah
The food smelled real good though
Surprisingly
But ended up eating at Ajisen Ramen with mummy
How I missed the food...
Been subsisting on breakfast for two days
And I have to continue with it!
Because I am completely broke
So I get to go on the diet that comes along with being poor XD
Which will hopefully make me thinner
-beams-
I need to lose the fat.

BT2 was disappointing but I guess I should be satisfied?
Haha ah well
Besides been pretty emo nowadays
Aggravated by dad scolding me lots
And other teeny weeny stuff
But then I'm better I hope
Because since when do I not look happy?
Besides looking DEAD during lessons la :/
I need to find a way to stay awake during bio anyway
Can even fall asleep with a sweet in my mouth
I'm screwed
All my teachers hate me
But I just can't!
Don't know why either...
Save meeee from the dreary depths of studyinggg
-shudder-
Ah, I'll just take it all into stride
Can't impose my unhappiness on others
One sad person makes the whole world miserable
One happy person makes the whole world smile
((((((((((:

♥words from deep within

♥ Thursday, July 10, 2008

True friendships are cast in stone
Why force me to test the strength of it?
Its futile
Fighting against a force you will never beat
No one can understand

♥words from deep within

♥ Wednesday, July 9, 2008

And I shall take that vow of silence
To find out
If it really is what it seems.

BROKEN
to pieces.

♥words from deep within

♥ Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I can't express how great my dad is
How absolutely f-ing great
-_-
1. He only knows how to complain
"WAH ANTS AH! OEI WHY LIKE THAT!
ANTS AH
ANTS AHHHH!"
If only he shut up and did something about it
But oh NO
That's not in his character
He will MAKE people do something about it for him

2. He blames my brother and I for EVERYTHING
If there was a like a blackout or something
I can't bet a million dollars it'll be our fault
When he falls sick
Its our fault
When he gets headache
Its our fault
When the house is messy
Its our fault
When his food is cold
Its our fault
EVERY SINGLE BLOODY THING is our fault

3. His expectations are unreasonable
Hasn't EVER praised my brother and I for anything we've done in our lives
I remember failing a swimming exam in primary four
Not really fail
I gave up cos a fat guy swam in front of me and kicked my face
And me being tiny
Almost drowned okay
So I came up spluttering and crying
The he caned me for not completing it
PSLE also scold
O levels also scold
A levels I don't expect any praise
For it is a stupid wishful thought
I even give up expecting anything from myself
Because I'll never be the perfect SON he wanted
...

4. Saying that he's insensitive is an understatement
When my mum cooks nice food for him
We all say its super yummy
But he will totally snub it and say it disgusts him
When my mum spends 2 hours a day making the hot meal
Ensuring that its really HOT
When he comes home around 8 plus
Making us all wait for him to eat then can eat (usually)
When my brother studies a whole day and play computer games for like one hour at night
He says that he's a slacker
And that he never put in ANY effort
That's why his grades suck
And it's WORSE than unfair to my bro

5. I just hate him okay

So maybe I have a completely biased opinion
But who wants to trade?
You can have my dad for a day
And witness the horror of my life
(:
Well other people may have worse experiences
Whereas mine are just full of emotional anguish
But I just hope it was better

♥words from deep within

♥ Thursday, July 3, 2008

You know
I shan't try to help anymore
I'm so terrible I end up making things worse
Like messing things up
Making people angry and upset
I shall just leave things be
Then maybe
Nothing bad will happen anymore...
I'm such a jinx.

♥words from deep within

♥ Tuesday, July 1, 2008

This is my 200th post!
But its nothing special anymore
There's really nothing to look forward in life
Except just trying to make each day better than the last
But how?
Nothing seems to make me happy nowadays
Why am I so dissatisfied with what I have?
WHY
Why can't I just appreciate life as it is?
Why must I keep questioning its depth
And existence?
Why must I parade my life in front of questioning eyes
Who doubt everything I do?
Why must I meet the expectations of those
Who do not even believe in me?
Why must I trust those
Who do not even trust me?
Why must I keep putting on this brave front
When all I feel is pain, sarcasm and humiliation
BURNING into my skin
Blistering the very flesh which used to be untainted?
WHY must I live in this world
SOOO imperfect
And yet, ironically, seeks perfection in those who live on it?
Why must we save a world which is falling to the dogs
When we must sacrifice our lives in order to do so?
Why why why?!?!?!?!

And the easiest way is just to stop believing
Stop listening
Stop caring
Nothing matters anymore
Live
Just to survive the days
Breathing, scavenging
Just stop trusting
Because it will only bring more hurt
And smile
Keep it fixed right there
Smile away the tears
And hope nobody notices the trail of hurt it leaves behind
Smudge it away
Pretend it never existed
Just as all the wounds
Which tears one up such that the bleeding will never stop
Cover it all
Hidden away under laughter and jokes
So that nothing
NOTHING
Ever shows.

♥words from deep within