dream high;

♥ Monday, March 26, 2007

Please take me out of GP accelerated program
Firstly I don't deserve to be there
Secondly I don't want to be there
Thirdly, do I have to?
Sigh

Anyway, some random thoughts
I was thinking of marriage
How it ties down a couple
Into a life of quarrels and seeing the same face every single day
When one gets out of bed every morning
My parents are the epitome of a failed marriage tied down by children
They don't belong together
I mean my mom and dad are polar opposites
And when I mean polar opposites, I mean they don't attract at all!
Somehow I think that my dad forced my mom into marrying him
So that he'll have a mindless puppet to control
To own
To assert his manlihood on
Someone whose opinions he need not value
Someone whose love he can just throw away
Someone who is there just for him to manipulate...
I HATE that
I hate to see the way he treats my mother
Like dirt, like he doesn't even care
The way he treats me and my brother
Like we exist only to make him happy, make him proud
With academic or moral achievements
Just so that he can lift his head out in society
And proudly proclaim that because of his priceless teaching
He has produced and obedient wife and two outstanding children
I hate that
Can't you please treat us like people at least
I cannot even bear to say how depressed I feel when I'm near him
How angry I feel even for a simple thing like the injustice that my brother suffers
He is a bright and intelligent boy, albeit annoying and bad mannered
But under my father's scrutiny, all those bright achievements just crumble
As though they are nothing
Compared to his "amazing" life
Like dust, they float, meaningless
Unworthy to be even praised
Because of such high expectations and stringent judgement
I hate home
Leave us alone to lead our lives please
Let us spread our wings, soar to the horizon
Search for what we feel is the meaning to our lives
Not fulfil what you think is the meaning to yours
Please
I beg you
It's just one request
One which I long for
Freedom so that we don't have to suffer the pain
Of failure, of loneliness, of trauma, of helplessness
Under your tyrannical rule
Life is no longer one that I wish to lead
Cut it short.

This makes me remember that day I was out at dinner at Bishan
When it struck 10, I watched
As one by one, lights went off
Curtains came down, doors were closed
And I thought to myself (was waiting for mom btw, I don't think when I'm doing something interesting)
Everything comes to an end someday
And it kind of reflects life, of everyone
How monotonous it is
Time ticks away, but we just move on, like clockwork
Thinking and expecting things to happen
Like a simple action of ending business for the day
It just ends, just like that, silently
No one cares, the crowds have long left
And the shopowners make their way home, weary from work
Life also ends, just like that
But there must be a way, to enrich it, to make sure it ends with a bang
To make sure people out there know you are gone
They shouldn't cry for your death, mourn the swiftness of it
Or just pretend it doesn't exist
But they should celebrate it
The richness of the life, the changes you have made
No matter how small
You made a difference
To the life of your friends and family
And they will remember you
(No offence intended) Just like a shopaholic remembers the greatest service they had
While patronising one of those shops

It might'nt make sense
Because when I think alot, the thoughts just come out in jumbles
And I can't type fast enough to actually sort them all out
But since they come from the heart and soul
Leave it be

I LOVE YOU ALL MY DEAREST FRIENDS
and I won't forget a single one (:

For you have made a difference in my life...

♥words from deep within

♥ Friday, March 16, 2007

Wah, my head is clear now (:
After the Sentosa outing I feel so so so much better
I can think straight
Sea breeze makes me happy ^_^
It kind of blew away all those dark clouds in my head, the clouds of doubt
And I decided this song, albeit random
Suits the confusion that I've felt
Besides no sane singer sings about exam troubles anyway

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進　何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

只能陪你到這裡　畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情　還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣　想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣　也開始懷疑
眼前的人　是不是同一個　真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進　何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心
直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你　寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗　停在這裡

Shall blog short little updates on my march hols

Monday
= sian-ing day, hoping my flu and cough plus horrifying nasal voice will go away

Tuesday
= shopping trip with char
Mondo shoes 20.70
Abercrombie and fitch top 12.90
And fooood ??.??
So i'm classified broke

Wednesday
= sentosa outing
I still sounded weird, kind of
Then played at beach
Ultimate frisbee, bridge, tai ti, climb rocks from siloso beach to connecting "man made islands"
The rocks were seriously hollow
Then dinner at food republic
More fish, I kind of only eat fish?
When I'm out that is XD

Thursday
= class outing at fish&co
Not really class outing though, more like random ppl outing
About 13 of us went
Ate sweet and sour fish!
And felt so bloated after that
We took quite a few pictures
Love my four hopians, just erm, not the ones who decided not to turn up -.- haha, jk
In the end we all split into different "activity cliques"
Played pool again and was crappy
How can I miss when like the ball was omg 2cm away from the pocket!!!
Then so was late for bbq
Sorry peeps XD met stephy and brandon on their way back from buying charcoal
Then rollerbladed back to pit 45D
Felt like falling like half the time, haven't done that in like years
Ate three chicken wings, part of a chicken and one chicken satay at the bbq haha
So i wasn't pretty full
Stargazed, twice with pauline, steph, stephy, brandon, raphael
Oh so many of them were either injured or sick! woopsie
Left the place close to 10pm cos bridge is a seriously addictive card game
And got home close to 12am, that's HOW FAR I live...

Friday
= Campus Superstar, male auditions
@Toa Payoh HDB hub
I slept at 2am and woke up at 6 plus am!
Cos of stupid STUPID NIGHTMARES
But then napped until about 7+ am
Then went down to support Yu Chuan
He got in through the auditions! (:
And the audience even clapped along when he was singing and applauded alot in the end
BUT don't get your head so BIG and your ego so INFLATED
Just because Ryanna and I praised you
Jing Nan, Rui Zhe turned up too, and Ee Yen just disappeared lol
Then went for err pool again
Played a sucky game, but heck, at least I kind of improved
Pool is boring XD But it's a good way to waste time
So we whiled our time away while Yu Chuan's friends played LAN somewhere
DOTA-ing is even more retarded than pool come to think of it
Cos we sat at the kopitiam below from like 3 plus? to almost 5
Then mommy called to ask me to buy eel sauce again
So headed to NTUC Xtra
It's not that big
Kinda looked so empty and spacious, hate their arrangement
Me love Carrefour ^_^
And my brain kinda reminds me that I didn't sleep much *sob*
I feel dizzy, was kinda sick feeling at toa payoh also
Didn't have much of an appetite
I don't want to be a fishbone...Or a pigeon carcass either
Stupid metabolic rate
If I eat like this I'll be freakily thin, I must eat FATS
But eew...

别利, 謝謝, 那片CD我越聽越開心
多了你這個好朋友
我真的覺得很幸福
不是没有考虑結拜
只是最進没有機會和某某談話...
亞綸在照片裡真的很帅, 哈哈
你选的歌都很好聽
可是我讀你寫的字絛後
不禁捧腹大笑 (cheem huh, ok maybe not cheem for you but for me, but it sounds super funny) XD
我不知道該怎麼寫下去 lol
Chinese seriously cannot express how I feel
Cos I don't know ENOUGH chinese words lol
But thank you so much! That one at least you can understand hehe
And right, the guitar pick hor
One month right? XD
Cos I got no time to find lol, sorry, I'll go soon!
Argh, so embarrassing today, only you know why
*points at haloscan*
It says all, but I shall not reveal anything
Chikooo I TRIED, the chinese took me damn long to write~

Conclusion
- Mandy is clear headed right now
- means Mandy will not sigh so much because she knows what she wants in life
- Mandy will live her life day by day
- everything including obstacles that Mandy meets, she will face head on, because the experience is what matters
- Mandy will never regret any decision she makes (at least that's why I crapped for my stupid GP accelerated program test, what destiny shit)
- and Mandy might not continue to look zombie-like in SAJC cos she doesn't need to reflect so much before she sleeps every night, that in the end she sleeps very few hours
- Mandy must not have nightmares or she will feel like puking the next day
- therefore Mandy must not dream of a certain somebody when she's sleeping or that damned nightmare will recurr
- Mandy is extremely thankful to Chiko for being so nice, and exceptionally grateful to have lovely best friends esp Char

Mandy will learn...

♥words from deep within

♥ Friday, March 9, 2007

SA orientation rocks!

Although it was boring shit the first two days
I had quite alot of fun today
After the first part of the day that is XD
Disco night fever! Literally, I'm feeling really hot inside, as in yeah, the ill way
But we had so much fun jumping around and just celebrating each other's existence in our lives
Friends forever! OG32, 07S12 and orientation 1 OG27! ^_^
I'll miss you guys when you all appeal out or happen to be in different classes
We had the time of our lives together!
Played so many games during The Quest today
And Wai Sum got to be so close to her M lol and Ryanna the sea
And me to nothing HAHA (standards high? no way)
Okay, only the two of them will get that part of my silly crapping...
Competed against Iroxa in most of the games and their OGLs were station masters too
So we kinda lost pretty badly, oh well
But -hugs everyone- we're the most enthu OG with like 9 people left behind!
I mean with the exception of the three guys who joined us for that stupid floorball game
Where we played with brooms and styrofoam like bats...
It was so lame, lol, but fun as well!
Oh I'm so high now I feel drunk
Even though I didn't drink a single sip of the Domremy that TAZULLA! popped
Cos I saw all the guys drinking from the bottle and was grossed out XD but I wanted to =P

And Yu Chuan didn't get into NJ ):
Oh he's also joining Campus Superstar! Must go support haha
Even though supposedly on friday I have CG chalet? Like from Wed to Fri?
3 days 2 nights, oh my parents are gonna KILL me if I went without telling them XD
SO most likely I can only go for 1 night? Then I can go support him on friday lol
Ooh and Eeyen's appealing back into SA, woot! We missed ya! (:
Haha, yay our OG27 is almost complete! If everyone else appeals back in!
Lol.

Okay info of day complete, now for emo-ing
I feel that I will probably not find true friends in SAJC
Or more generally, JC life, because two years is two short a time, for me to bond
With someone I can totally spill my heart to
Because my life has many dark secrets e.g. my family and their strict traditions
And I don't just want anybody to know about how I truly live
Few people have been to my home
And those who have, will have heard the "unhappy silence that resounds through the empty home"
A home which isn't a home, a haven
But merely a shelter, where we only head for to seek refuge in our times of need
To my and my brother
This is the only reason we stay home
Purely because we don't have finances to stay away from the house
Can't elaborate, in case the wrong people read this
I mean this is a public blog after all... ... ...

Life is just a torture to live
When I can't experience the feeling of being loved
By anyone
Especially, the people I call my,
Family.

The End XD Teehee

♥words from deep within

♥ Saturday, March 3, 2007

宁愿孤單單過一辈子, 因為愛情是世上最痛苦的事

Haha, I shall start emo-ing, if it is even considered as that
Well the weather has been horrible these few days, people are falling sick as quickly as flies are dying everyday
*sniffle* Catching a cold
Plus feeling horrible because it's so gloomy outside
Plus headache and confusion, in triple doses
Lord help me, although I know I'm not deserving of it
I want to live in a world without pain
Even though I know that without pain, I wouldn't know the meaning of happiness
But I'd rather live life feeling empty
Because it being empty means I can be an emotionless shell
You can fill it with your pain and sorrows
And yet not only can I take it away from you, absorb it into my already pained life
But also you can be free, and happy
I live on people's happiness
Because I believe that I don't deserve to be happy myself
I haven't been a good girl
And yet I'm bestowed with all these blessings in life
I want to share them, and suffer under the wordless pain that everyone definitely has in their lives

Although, I know I'm blessed with a caring family, a darling little dog and a roof above my head
Something which lots of people might long for, people more underprivileged than me
I haven't been happy
I haven't lived life the way I want to
Because of restrictions
I mean, what I want to do with my life, has to be approved
By every single person, who, in theory "cares for me"
And everything that I aspire to complete before this miserable life of mine ends, needs money
Something that I lack
Something that I wish didn't exist in this world

Because money is exactly the thing which is somewhat linked to most of the 7 deadly sins
Lust, greed, envy, gluttony, sloth, wrath, vanity
And all this shouldn't exist in this world
Social standings should be eradicated
This should be a free world
Where dreams can be pursued, people can live the way they want
Just like in the past
Where dreams were simple, life was tough and difficult to lead, but people were inevitably happy
Content, with the way things were

The world is just spinning too fast, too fast for human control
And when we over-ambitious human beings finally realise the consequences...IT'LL BE TOO LATE
可是我們无能為力, 只好慢慢等待, 世界末目。。。

So no link, but who cares
Bought SA uniform and wore it! And us cam whoring 07S12 is crazy
Took so many pictures on that day heehee
And lazy to post them up here XD
But I like our class ^_^

♥words from deep within